#206: Limp Bizkit - Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water (2000)

Zack: Let me start by saying that I was torn on this album going in. As a person who likes to write bitter, sarcastic things, this seemed to provide such an opportunity. But, as a person with functioning ears, this seemed like an experience detrimental to my overall health. While I am unable to say with absolute certainty until I see the finished product, I have reason to believe that it was not worth it. After all, what could I possibly say that would not be but a mere echo of the hundred, maybe thousands, of music critics who have previously listened to this piece of……..art(?) and tried to vent their feelings. Let me start with passing on the information that a chocolate starfish is a certain orifice located towards the rear end of a human being. Mr. Durst refers to himself as a chocolate starfish at one point, and that is where the self-awareness ends. Most of the tracks are insecure rants about how people be talking shit behind their backs. He does not clarify who these people are or what they’re saying, but I have reason to believe that Mr. Durst has mistaken printed words for “behind his back,” a fact that I attribute to anyone who finds the concept of “hot dog flavored water” to be funny probably has questionable literacy. From there we descend into a cavern of douchery, one that includes a reference to Christina Aguilera. Which just reminded me of Eminem calling him out on that in The Real Slim Shady (Eminem would later write a diss track called Girls where he said “I'm peggin Fred with the bottle of dye that he bleached his head with!" Proving once again that Eminem is always willing to fight the battles that I don’t have the mic skills to fight). The darkest recesses of this cavern are incomprehensible depths of douchebaggery, but they seem to lie somewhere between that infamous Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ song and when he apologizes for a reference to a joint by saying that he doesn’t smoke, just likes the smell. Then we have a song that has Xzibit in it, which serves as a beautiful respite from this hellish torture. Wasn’t there something in the Geneva Conventions about this, or was it clarified in Additional Protocol I? Damnit, Obama, get the Senate to ratify already so no one has to tolerate this type of mistreatment again! Look it up. Anyway, what I think makes the terrible levels of suckitude here worse is that I’m dangerously close to his target audience. I genuinely like Linkn Park and even listen to Korn on the occasion. Plus, I’m only moderately embarrassed to admit that. The whole “screamy rap rock/metal” is something I have a history of enjoying. But this just proves that if anything can be done well, than it can also be done hilariously poorly. It also raises several questions. First and foremost, was the motivation for Xhibit, Scott Weiland, Method Man, Red Man, and DMX to appear on this album solely financial or was it pity? Were hostages taken? Were they just hoping that by appearing here they might prevent a few listeners from deciding that suicide wasn’t the answer to their jammed repeat buttons on their compact disc players (it was 2000, after all)? Why did they think it important to include a 10 minute outro track that was almost entirely a dude awkwardly laughing at virtually nothing (“Did you call him DJ Lethal when you were kids….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!)? Was a creature this terrible brought to this world through alchemy? What made Fred Durst think it was okay to just add one new line to the remixed version of a song and otherwise just say the same thing over a new beat? Are the members of Limp Bizkit really just America’s most subtle satirists? If not, why the fuck was this on the list in the first place?

Favorite Tracks: Rollin’ (Urban Assault Vehicle) (the non-Durst parts only); Getcha Groove On (the non-Durst parts only); Take a Look Around

Emily: About 2 songs into this album, I texted Zack something along the lines of "WHY LIST, WHY?" I have no idea why this album is here, and it spurred such random and angry musings in me that I can only write this review in list form as I listen to it. So, here goes:

1) Fred Durst, stop trying to make "chocolate starfish" happen. It's not going to happen. (Seriously, even what it refers to is just nasty)

2) Why do I know so many of these songs, at least in passing? Goddamn radio

3) Some of this must be a joke. A few lyrics are passable for Weird Al.

4) And now he's trying to be serious on The One. And by serious, I mean slowing it down a little and talking about wanting someone to stay.

5) Thank god this rap-metal thing didn't take off. The early 2000s - my formative music-listening years -would've sucked so hard.

6) Unless your name is Eminem, white men should not be rapping.

7) Rather, if your name is Fred Durst you shouldn't be rapping.

8) Xzibit? What are you doing here? Why aren't you pimping rides?

9) I feel forced to pay attention to these lyrics but they're so damn bad I have nothing to say.

10) Just because you say fuck every other word doesn't make you badass, Mr. Durst.

11) Close to the end I started tuning out. Oops.

12) This is a really long album. Unnecessarily long.

13) And all of the songs are really repetitive. They don't sound like each other, but within each song there's so much line and chorus repetition it gets annoying. Many of the songs break the 4 or 5 minute mark, and could be much shorter if they didn't repeat the same phrases a billion times.

14) Now someone is barking. What the actual fuck?

15) The last song is just a guy talking. Is it Fred Durst? I have no fucking clue. But there's no beat or anything. Just a guy dicking around and making fun of Limp Bizkit. This is just unnecessary.

16) And now taking Limp Bizkit too seriously. This sucks man.

17) And it's just laughing now. I'm convinced: this album is a cruel sick joke with which Limp Bizkit just wanted to fuck with the American listening public. Considering how many albums were sold, they might have succeeded.

The last hour or so has been extremely unpleasant. I hope I never have to experience such shittiness again from this list - and considering what I've just heard, I doubt I will.

Favorite Tracks: My Way; The One; Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)

#205: Sigur Rós - Ágætis byrjun (1999)

Zack: I’m calling bullshit. For Christmas, I made a bunch of playlists for my brother and gave them to him on a flash drive (along with some other music). One of them was called “Ethereal Whinings.” One day after I make that playlist, boom, I’m listening to this. Literally the second sentence on their Wikipedia page says that they are “known for their ethereal sound.” One day. That’s how close I was to having rooted that playlist in the only thing it was missing: Icelandic post-rock. I knew all along that there was a problem but I didn’t know how oddly specific it was. Wyatt, if you’re reading, I have failed you. Anyway, this album is banging. It’s so lush and interesting. I can’t even understand any of the words and I could not manage to care any less. Everything about it is so vibrant but with a touch of spacey. I guess I would characterize it sort of as a cross between Air and Flaming Lips, but I’m not sure if that really does all the orchestration justice. Look, it’s an incredible album, one you should absolutely check out.

Favorite Tracks: Ágætis byrjun; Hjartað hamast (Bamm Bamm Bamm); Olsen Olsen

Emily: Unfortunately, by the time I finished this album it was around 1 AM and I was getting sleepy, so I don't feel that I fully experienced this album. I say experienced because that's what Sigur Ros truly does - they create a cohesive sonic/musical experience rather than just a collection of nice-sounding songs. Although subtle in its ambient qualities, Ágætis byrjun is beautifully done. The band combines different instruments with sound effects and distortion to create an enveloping sound that can seamlessly blend into the background one second and demand your attention the next. Never mind that it's all in Icelandic; the music is too pretty and unique for the lyrics to matter much. It's an album that I will definitely add to my homework/relaxing/general listening repetorie - and I'll re-listen at a time when I'm less sleepy.

Favorite Tracks: Ágætis byrjun; Hjartað hamast (Bamm Bamm Bamm); Staralfur

#204: Nenah Cherry - Raw Like Sushi (1989)

Emily: Zack listened to this album a few days before I did, and he absolutely hated it (as you'll see before). Not wanting his opinions to unduly influence my interpretation of the album - I was the one who selected that we listen to it now, after all - I have not yet read his review, and will not until mine is complete. With that in mind, I didn't hate this album. It wasn't my favorite, but it was okay. Nenah Cherry isn't exactly the strongest of lyricists - she tends to rely on cliches and plays on words, strategies that work when used sparingly but become grating when they're the focus of your entire album. A few of the songs jumped around a lot between different beats and vocal styles, from R&B singing to rapping to spoken word. Sometimes it worked, oftentimes it was just distracting. I did enjoy the late-80's hip-hop beats behind the vocals, since I'm almost always a fan of music I can dance to (or just bob my head back and forth as I listen to it in my room).  Now, without further adieu, I will end here with my favorite tracks so together we can find out why Zack holds so much animosity towards this album - though I do recommend listening to come to your own opinion first.
Favorite Tracks: Buffalo Stance; Inna City Mama; Kisses on the Wind

Zack: I know I complain a lot about the excluded hip-hop albums. I really would like to avoid that here, but why the fuck am I listening to this? Not only is this album not particularly influential, but it also is just terrible. I mean, there is almost no redeeming quality to this album. Part of that is because it is horrendously dated. I’m pretty sure that if they had even tried to release this album one year later, they would have been apprehended by the proper authorities for failing to recognize the change in decade. Yes, it is that 80’s, but I don’t love it. The other problem is that the lyrical content is so mind-numbingly focused on male-female relations that it moves past the brain and becomes physically painful. It quickly escalates from “girl power” to “personal account of relationship history” to “evidence that penis envy is actually a thing.” I don’t like to throw such a blanket and seemingly sexist accusation out there, but she flips between accusing men of being dogs and screaming at women for trying to take her man with such violence that it’s disorienting. Wait; is your man a piece of shit not worthy of your trust or a golden God that you need to prevent any prowling shrews from tempting? The answer sometimes seems to vary minute to minute. Even in The Next Generation, a song about how important children are, she can’t resist saying men need to learn to keep their dicks in their pants, then saying that they should take them out and use them better than ever. At least that is my interpretation, based off the exact literal words she says. What the fuck? I don’t even know. In Outre Risque Locomotive, the second-to-last song, she even admits that she’s obsessed with men, but I couldn’t make out if it was an apology. If not, then I demand one because I’m really upset that this even exists.

Favorite (?) Track: Love Ghetto; So Here I Come; Inna City Mama 

#203: Coldplay - Parachutes (2000)

Zack: Let’s put a little context into when this album came out. I was 10, and a huge Eminem fan. I was still two years removed from owning my first CD, but that’s where I was at that time. Slim Shady LP came out the year before and Marshall Mathers LP about two months prior. I was so into Eminem and, in general, the popular rap scene at the time, that I tended to eschew alternative music as annoying, both the established acts like U2 and R.E.M. that had defined the previous 10 years of the genre and the newer bands like Coldplay an Foo Fighters that would define the following ten. I remember finding Yellow to be a brutal couple of minutes every time it came on the radio. Now, things are obviously quite a bit different. I love the alternative music scene and Foo Fighters specifically are one of my favorite bands. Songs that I used to hate like Times Like These and Trouble I now appreciate as staples of modern rock. And my animosity towards Coldplay has drastically dissipated. But I still had never listened to an entire Coldplay album before. I have their complete discography and have made it halfway through several of their albums. If I’m being honest, they just have some great singles and remind me of so many other great bands. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to listen to listen to Viva la Vida only to end up listening to Lost and Violet Hill a few times, putting Paradise on repeat (more recently of course) and then just going and listening to Fake Plastic Trees, some Muse, maybe a U2 song, and then playing Foo Fighters. Coldplay gives me a major case of musical ADHD. And so I was afraid I would need some Adderall to get through this album. But, lo-and-behold, it held my attention just fine. That’s probably because it is really, really good. It starts out pretty strong, builds up to a run of fantastic songs in the middle – including the two big singles – then slowly lets down and ends with a strong last track (with a hidden song as well) that reminds you how pleasant the past 40 minutes were and inspires you to go back and relisten to several of the less-popular songs that you otherwise would have overlooked. Quite frankly, this album made me happy that I’ve moved on from my shallow musical tastes from when I was 10.

Favorite Tracks: Shiver; Trouble; Sparks

Emily: I've never really come across anyone who is a die-hard Coldplay fan. My friend Matt (he wrote for us a while back, if you remember) got tickets to see them for his birthday last year. While he was excited, Coldplay definitely wouldn't have been his first choice. One girl that I'm Facebook friends with (whom I worked with a few years back) frequently posts about her love for Chris Martin, so I guess she's one. Coldplay is a band that many people find pleasant and enjoyable for the few singles played on the radio, but most won't delve too much further into their discography. Parachutes was the first time I've listened to a full Coldplay album - fitting, since it's their debut as well. Now, I think I understand those as-yet invisible Coldplay fans, the ones that fill stadiums and actually buy these albums and listen to them right when they come out (as opposed to, say, 12 years later for a blog...). Coldplay's debut is refreshingly honest, open, and beautifully done. They've gone a bit more over-the-top in recent years, but Parachutes is more intimate. Minimal musical arrangements are punctuated by the piano and Chris Martin's vocals. While I don't know how well these songs play with their current stadium crowd, I can see them working so well in a small club - and with every audience member singing along.
Favorite Tracks: Shiver; Yellow; Spies

#202: Boston - Boston (1976)

Emily: Back in high school, I was playing Rock Band with the guy I was kinda-sorta-dating at the time (yeah, long story). He started talking about how much he loved Boston, which prompted my wonderfully informed response: "Who's that?" Then he proceeded to select More Than a Feeling, and said "They sing More Than a Feeling. That song." I said "Oh. Yeah I know that song. Didn't know who sang it," and he started to play along on the Rock Band drums and ignore me (yeah, like I said, long story). Anyway, Boston is one of those bands where everyone knows that one song but may not know any other songs by them, or even know who sings that one song at all. Boston's debut, on which that one song everyone knows appears, kinda sounds the same as More Than a Feeling throughout the whole thing. It's arena rock through and through, lots of big guitar solos and sing-along choruses. They figured out a formula and stuck with it, succeeding the most on - you guessed it - More Than a Feeling. I guess that's why it's the one song everyone knows - regardless of whether they can identify Boston by name.
Favorite Tracks: More Than a Feeling; Let Me Take You Home Tonight; Rock and Roll Band

Zack: You probably expect me to write something about More Than a Feeling, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong. I’m going to write about Peace of Mind, the second song on the album, because they play it all the fucking time at work and somehow I never paired Boston with it. Once those opening strumming came in, I recognized it right away and was absolutely blown away that I hadn’t figured it out sooner. I mean, you know what Boston sounds like. It’s like that-song-that-won’t-be-named done over and over and over again but in slightly different ways. High-pitched male vocals? Check. Heavy guitar riffs? Check. And we’ve got a Boston song. Peace of Mind has all of that and I still never put it together. I’m ashamed of myself. Anyway, Boston is Boston. If you’re in to that sort-of cheesy hard rock scene, they’re perfect. They’re a slightly better version of Kansas, which is my way of telling any young musicians out there not to name their bands after a city or state since the results seem to be overwhelmingly poor. Anyway, Boston. If you listen to Classic Rock radio, you’ve probably heard every song on this entire album a billion times. It is what it is.

Favorite Tracks: Foreplay/Long Time; Something About You; More Than a Feeling

#201: The Temptations - Cloud Nine (1969)

Zack: The Temptations are one of those bands that everyone has heard of, but I’m not really sure who has really delved into their discography. I don’t know who out there is a raging Temptations fan, but I would like to meet this person and study them for science. I have personally never really listened to them, so the possibility was I want to say alluring. But I found Cloud Nine to be underwhelming. I didn’t really have any preconceived expectations going in, so I wouldn’t say that I was upset that it didn’t live up to what I wanted from it. And I wouldn’t say that it was repetitive – the mix of psychedelic influences with more traditional soul sounds was interesting. But it left me wanting more. I would have liked to have seen them delve more into the psychedelic side, instead it feels like they just dipped their toes in the water. I can’t say I would have preferred if this album was entirely psychedelic soul; I liked both halves about equally. Honestly, I don’t even know what I want. All I know is that I left this listening experience thinking the album was good, but wishing I thought it was great.

Favorite Tracks: Cloud Nine; I Gotta Find a Way; Love Is a Hurtin’ Thing

Emily: I tend to agree with Zack on this one. Cloud Nine simply underwhelmed me. I enjoyed the soul sound, and especially the psychedelic instrumental interludes on Runaway Child, Run Wild. For the most part, though, it was meh. I was expecting to hear some late '50s/early '60s Temptations here - you know, the songs I've actually heard before. Everything was new, but not in an exciting new way. The psychedelic sound was an interesting mix, but the soul felt like what I'd heard from them before but not as good. I don't know if we'll be listening to more Temptations as the list goes forward, but if so I hope we can rewind the musical clock on them about 10 years.

Favorite Tracks: Runaway Child, Run Wild; Don't Let Him Take Your Love from Me; Cloud Nine

Now Presenting...The 200 Album Awards!

It’s been about a year and a half since we passed the 100 album mark. We’re sorry it took us so long to reach the next milestone, but now that we’ve successfully completed 20 percent of our objective, it seems like an appropriate time for somber reflection on all the brave hours lost fighting to protect us from boredom and homework. So, please, join us in a moment of silence…

Aaaaaand we’re done. Now that that is out of the way, it feels like the right time for celebration and joyful remembrance of albums both good and bad. That’s right; it’s time for our second 1001 Album Review Award Show!

While it did, admittedly, take a bit of pleading and both literal and figurative prodding, we’re excited to announce that Billy Crystal agreed to host the ceremony. Then we discovered, much to our chagrin, that Billy Crystal wanted to be paid for it. We turned to our fallback plan of getting James Franco and Anne Hathaway to host, but discovered that James Franco-Anne Hathaway-Oscars jokes have become tragically outdated. Pressed, we decided to dust off our evening gowns and host this special event ourselves yet again. Here’s hoping Ricky Gervais answers his voicemail in time for the 300^th one, though.

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Zack: This first award will require a bit of explaining. Perhaps you could even say that it is rather…confusing. Oh you don’t get that yet? This is the award for the most confusing album. How about now? Some albums just raise questions. That is not a comment on the quality, just a statement on the fact that there is some lingering element to the listening experience that prevents you from merely finishing the album and moving on. Sometimes, you need answers. The nominees for the "General Petraeus Award" are…

The Good, the Bad & the Queen – The Good, the Bad & the Queen

Butthole Surfers – Locust Abortion Technician

Devo – Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!

Moby – Play

Holger Czukay – Movies

And the winner is….The Good, the Bad & the Queen! Moby made us ask why someone would just stop making a good album halfway through. Holger Czukay made us question what the hell Krautrock is. Butthole Surfers and Devo probably tie for quantity of questions raised. But if you’re talking quality of questions, nobody beats The Good, the Bad & the Queen. With a star-studded lineup like that, how is this album not emanating awesomeness? How is it possible to listen to it and not immediately hit replay. It just doesn’t make sense. And I suspect it never will.

Emily: My first award goes out to those albums we listened to way back when, in a time where we were fairly productive on this blog. I often say that I want to listen to certain albums again but I also often forget to when scrolling through the recesses of my iPod's artist list. Now, though, after looking back through the beginning of this last 100 group, a few albums deserve better than to be gathering virtual dust after one listen. The nominees for the "Relisten Now (or Later) Award" are...

The Sonics - Here Are The Sonics

Lou Reed - Berlin

Radiohead - The Bends

Joni Mitchell - Blue

Klaxons - Myths of the Near Future

The winner is...Radiohead! You see, a couple months back I actually did return to Radiohead. I was working on a paper and needed some music to calm my mind and keep me focused. I came across Radiohead in my iTunes library, turned it on, and just fell into it. Even after the paper was complete, I relistened to it a few more times. Looking back at my original review, I wasn't a big fan but predicted that I needed another listen or two to fully appreciate it - that was true, and only took a year to realize it. First impressions are one of the faults of this blog, and I'm glad to have given this album (and soon the other nominees) a second chance.

Zack: If someone has the audacity to compile a list of albums and include in the title a pseudo-threatening reference to my (most likely) untimely demise, you think they would also have the courtesy to make sure all of those albums are good. Tragically, when your goal is the perfectly symmetrical 1001, sometimes a few fillers have to get added in. Sometimes they’re worse than that. These are those times. The nominees for the "Deep Throat Award" are…

The Louvin Brothers – Tragic Songs of Life and Death

KISS – Destroyer

Willie Colon and Ruben Blades – Siembra

Queen Latifah – All Hail the Queen

Buck Owens – I’ve Got a Tiger by the Tail

And the winner is….. The Louvin Brothers, Tragic Songs of Life and Death! This one was tough. I mean, it was clearly between Louvin Brothers and Buck Owens all the way. The others weren’t very good, but they weren’t as tortuous as those two. But how to decide between two horrendous albums that seemed to be trying to undo all the goodwill Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson, Ryan Adams, and Silver Jews built up? I ultimately decided on length. Tragic Songs is about seven minutes longer than Tiger by the Tail. If you’re going to suffer, might as well do it for a shorter period of time.

Emily: As we've learned so clearly over the past 200 albums, one's musical taste may not reflect that of someone else. Some of the albums that we "must hear before we die" may have actually made us want to, well, die. Or at least attack our eardrums with a pointy object. The nominees for the "Ear Splitter Award" are...

Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works 85-92

Buck Owens - I've Got a Tiger by the Tail

Butthole Surfers – Locust Abortion Technician

ZZ Top - Eliminator

Iron Maiden - The Number of the Beast

And the winner is...Butthole Surfers! I think this album actually caused me physical ear pain. It was weird, but not in a good way. Definitely an unpleasant way. They had such promise for fun ridiculousness with that band name too...though I guess the album title should've been a clearer indicator for me to brace myself (not that I had a choice - thanks list-writers!)

Zack: We try and point out when an album is just transcendentally great whenever we can, but it’s hard to account for staying power. You may be blown away by an album the first time you hear it, but progressive listens take away some of the glamor. Likewise, extra plays can add value. After those initial listens, we try to provide the most honest review we can, but we often have to try and project for these variables. Even in varying degrees of retrospect, things can get mixed up. For instance, if I were to re-do the last best album ceremony, my nominees would be almost completely different (Hendrix, Neil Young, Johnny Cash, Jeff Buckley, and Pixies). But here we can at least try and nail down some semblance of a comparative analysis. With that in mind, the nominees for the "Hindsight Award" are…

The Clash – London Calling

Wilco – Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

Radiohead – The Bends

Nas – Illmatic

Patti Smith – Horses

And the winner is…The Clash, London Calling! It was album No. 108 for us, and even back then I called it on par with my winner from the previous awards and what I had long considered my favorite album of all time, The Jimi Hendrix Experience’s Are You Experienced?. Time has not swayed my mind. In fact, it’s reinforced it. I listen to this album all the time and it never loses its luster. Horses and Yankee Hotel Foxtrot are both excellent. Illmatic remains my second favorite hip-hop album of all time (behind Eric B. and Rakim’s Paid in Full, which isn’t even on the list, as I’ve mentioned a thousand times). And The Bends pretty much singlehandedly got me through Hurricane Sandy (note: gratuitous exaggeration). But London Calling is on a different level than just mere greatness. When people ask what my favorite album is now, I tell them it’s a tie. And I expect to feel the same way when we clear 300 albums as well.

Emily: Picking my favorite albums of the last 100 was extremely difficult. Partially this was because it's been so long since I've listened to some of them, but it's also because there were just so many fantastic albums in this group. Some are noted classics, while others snuck up on me and quietly blew me away. There are some notable exceptions to the nominees for this award, but like with all awards shows that inevitably happens. While considering the nominees for the "I Can Barely Pick Just One! Award," feel free to debate the merits of my choices.

Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

The Clash - London Calling

Lauryn Hill - The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

Patti Smith - Horses

The Beatles - Revolver

And the winner is...The Clash! Yes, Zack and I agree on this one. London Calling is indisputably one of the greatest albums of all time. It's innovative, unique, and just plain awesome. My words just can't do it justice. Of course, all of the nominees are deserving of the title of "greatest" - that's why they're on this list after all. However, London Calling is simply a cut above the rest.

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Thank you for taking the time to indulge us in our celebration. Normal posts will return shortly. With winter break right around the corner for us, we’re hoping to make quite a bit of progress in the upcoming month. We’re a fifth of the way there, guys. It’s not happening quickly, but it is happening. That’s a victory in itself, right? Right? Please say right…