Zack: Let me start by saying that I was torn on this
album going in. As a person who likes to write bitter, sarcastic things, this
seemed to provide such an opportunity. But, as a person with functioning ears,
this seemed like an experience detrimental to my overall health. While I am
unable to say with absolute certainty until I see the finished product, I have
reason to believe that it was not worth it. After all, what could I possibly
say that would not be but a mere echo of the hundred, maybe thousands, of music
critics who have previously listened to this piece of……..art(?) and tried to
vent their feelings. Let me start with passing on the information that a
chocolate starfish is a certain orifice located towards the rear end of a human
being. Mr. Durst refers to himself as a chocolate starfish at one point, and
that is where the self-awareness ends. Most of the tracks are insecure rants
about how people be talking shit behind their backs. He does not clarify who
these people are or what they’re saying, but I have reason to believe that Mr.
Durst has mistaken printed words for “behind his back,” a fact that I attribute
to anyone who finds the concept of “hot dog flavored water” to be funny
probably has questionable literacy. From there we descend into a cavern of
douchery, one that includes a reference to Christina Aguilera. Which just
reminded me of Eminem calling him out on that in The Real Slim Shady (Eminem
would later write a diss track called Girls where he said “I'm peggin Fred with
the bottle of dye that he bleached his head with!" Proving once again that
Eminem is always willing to fight the battles that I don’t have the mic skills
to fight). The darkest recesses of this cavern are incomprehensible depths of
douchebaggery, but they seem to lie somewhere between that infamous Rollin’
rollin’ rollin’ song and when he apologizes for a reference to a joint by
saying that he doesn’t smoke, just likes the smell. Then we have a song that
has Xzibit in it, which serves as a beautiful respite from this hellish torture.
Wasn’t there something in the Geneva Conventions about this, or was it
clarified in Additional Protocol I? Damnit, Obama, get the Senate to ratify
already so no one has to tolerate this type of mistreatment again! Look it up.
Anyway, what I think makes the terrible levels of suckitude here worse is that
I’m dangerously close to his target audience. I genuinely like Linkn Park and
even listen to Korn on the occasion. Plus, I’m only moderately embarrassed to
admit that. The whole “screamy rap rock/metal” is something I have a history of
enjoying. But this just proves that if anything can be done well, than it can
also be done hilariously poorly. It also raises several questions. First and
foremost, was the motivation for Xhibit, Scott Weiland, Method Man, Red Man,
and DMX to appear on this album solely financial or was it pity? Were hostages
taken? Were they just hoping that by appearing here they might prevent a few
listeners from deciding that suicide wasn’t the answer to their jammed repeat
buttons on their compact disc players (it was 2000, after all)? Why did they
think it important to include a 10 minute outro track that was almost entirely
a dude awkwardly laughing at virtually nothing (“Did you call him DJ Lethal
when you were kids….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!)? Was a creature this terrible
brought to this world through alchemy? What made Fred Durst think it was okay
to just add one new line to the remixed version of a song and otherwise just
say the same thing over a new beat? Are the members of Limp
Bizkit really just America’s most subtle satirists? If not, why the fuck was
this on the list in the first place?
Favorite Tracks: Rollin’ (Urban Assault Vehicle) (the
non-Durst parts only); Getcha Groove On (the non-Durst parts only); Take a Look
Around
Emily: About 2 songs into this album, I texted Zack something along the lines of "WHY LIST, WHY?" I have no idea why this album is here, and it spurred such random and angry musings in me that I can only write this review in list form as I listen to it. So, here goes:
1) Fred Durst, stop trying to make "chocolate starfish" happen. It's not going to happen. (Seriously, even what it refers to is just nasty)
2) Why do I know so many of these songs, at least in passing? Goddamn radio
3) Some of this must be a joke. A few lyrics are passable for Weird Al.
4) And now he's trying to be serious on The One. And by serious, I mean slowing it down a little and talking about wanting someone to stay.
5) Thank god this rap-metal thing didn't take off. The early 2000s - my formative music-listening years -would've sucked so hard.
6) Unless your name is Eminem, white men should not be rapping.
7) Rather, if your name is Fred Durst you shouldn't be rapping.
8) Xzibit? What are you doing here? Why aren't you pimping rides?
9) I feel forced to pay attention to these lyrics but they're so damn bad I have nothing to say.
10) Just because you say fuck every other word doesn't make you badass, Mr. Durst.
11) Close to the end I started tuning out. Oops.
12) This is a really long album. Unnecessarily long.
13) And all of the songs are really repetitive. They don't sound like each other, but within each song there's so much line and chorus repetition it gets annoying. Many of the songs break the 4 or 5 minute mark, and could be much shorter if they didn't repeat the same phrases a billion times.
14) Now someone is barking. What the actual fuck?
15) The last song is just a guy talking. Is it Fred Durst? I have no fucking clue. But there's no beat or anything. Just a guy dicking around and making fun of Limp Bizkit. This is just unnecessary.
16) And now taking Limp Bizkit too seriously. This sucks man.
17) And it's just laughing now. I'm convinced: this album is a cruel sick joke with which Limp Bizkit just wanted to fuck with the American listening public. Considering how many albums were sold, they might have succeeded.
The last hour or so has been extremely unpleasant. I hope I never have to experience such shittiness again from this list - and considering what I've just heard, I doubt I will.
Favorite Tracks: My Way; The One; Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)
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